I Had an Epiphany Today .. triggered by this post that Chantelle recently wrote.
I have been hiding, trying to be smaller too. Hiding behind baggy clothes, unshaven legs, teeth that need fixing, extra weight and other ‘deterrents’. I have been craving invisibility, wanting the world to look away.
It all became so clear to me on my drive home from the office tonight (it takes around 2.5 hours so there is lots of time for deep thinking!). I have been trying to hide for more than two years now! I’ve been hiding and playing small out of fear. Fear that someone would get too close, fear that I would be seen.
Just over two years ago I broke up a little blended family, broke my own heart and that of 3 small children. When I ended an abusive, toxic de-facto relationship.
It all became clear today that I am not yet free from this pain. I have been hiding away in the hopes that nobody could see how much it broke me. I think I may have been hiding from myself too.
It makes perfect sense now that the pain is lessened enough for me to finally see what has been going on. I have been protecting myself from being seen so that I can protect myself from being hurt like that again.
In the past I have loved passionately, quickly and often with complete abandon. I have opened my heart and my home to some who did not deserve this incredibly sacred honour. It is only by looking back with some newfound clarity that I can see the patterns more clearly again.
It was also through a book that I am near completing that my epiphany was triggered. Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood is a must read for anyone who tends to give themselves in a way that can be unhealthy.
I was traumatically thrown into the role of Carer at the age of 16. For 12 years my life was filled with unimaginable pain, and it was during that critical developmental time that I grew up too fast, yet not fast enough in some ways.
In my 20s and 30s I filled the depths of darkness in my heart and soul with all of the things that act as a bandaid, covering pain. The wrong foods, people, substances, alcohol, relationships … it was all I knew to block out the pain.
It has only been in my late 30s and now my early 40s that I am actually allowing myself to grieve properly. In the midst of that I reverted to blocking the pain by allowing myself to believe that I could help heal a man who was broken like I was. This never ends well.
Since then I have been hiding, making myself invisible as I deal with this new loss and try to get myself back on track with the healthy grieving I have put off for so long.
I really like this definition of an Epiphany: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. (Dictionary.com)
Today I had a sudden insight into the reality of my own pain. I realised the meaning of my recent mission to hide away and protect myself from anymore pain. Most importantly though, I realised that this is not the way I choose to live my life. I choose to gently face my pain and hide no more!
If anyone else is hiding, please know that you are not alone.