I have cried a lot lately. Tears for the part of me that aches to put my little family back together. Tears for the pieces of my heart that are longing to be put back together. Tears for the pain of missing so many people, some of them lost long ago yet whose presence right now would help to hold me up.
There is a small part of me that has been so concerned with appearances, and optimism and being an ‘inspiration’ that almost convinced me to keep this all to myself.
Yet this is my truth right now, and being authentic is more important.
Do you ever question yourself so brutally, in a way that you would never inflict on another? In a way it is a good thing to look back on the glaringly obvious things that you could have done differently, with the beauty of hindsight! It is not so helpful to punish yourself over and over with your thoughts though.
It is the ability to look back on a loss, a trauma (or any of the ways that life breaks you open) with the aim of digging out the lessons from the pile of pain that you find yourself in .. it is this that gives you the strength and the resolve to pick yourself up and slowly put your own pieces back together.
It can feel like yet another failure. I find myself getting much better at pushing this crazy thought aside, because it is crazy. I am not a failure, you are not a failure. We are all doing the best we can, in every moment.
Life hurts at times, and people hurt you, they hurt you because they are hurt.
In the last 6 months I have learned more about myself, I have allowed my pain to be truly, deeply felt. It is often easier to push it aside, it will only come back and demand to be felt though, that’s the thing about pain, it needs to be felt.
So, behind the polished front end of this sacred space lies a lot of pain. It is not a secret that physical and mental pain is my constant companion. I am perfectly capable of keeping them in their place, I have had plenty of practice! It is always my authentic and truly sincere hope that by sharing the hardest things to write I am opening up the conversation for someone else.
I have learned some more of the life lessons that I embrace and welcome into my world over the past 18 months, and I have been reminded of some that I already knew. I have learned that my inner knowing and my intuition can always be trusted. I have learned that holding onto anger and trying to change other people are both ridiculously futile pursuits that will only burn you up from the inside out. I have learned that I am enough.
It continues to fill me with awe that we are capable of so much, that all of the love, light, resilience, strength and learnings are always within us. We just need to get out of our own way, and remove all of the barriers that are holding us back from reaching these things.
You are enough too, and you have all of these things within you too xx